I think I was in Lower Kindergarten when I had my first encounter with a beautiful creature. Me and her took part in a fancy dress competition, dont remember much about that. What I do remember is telling ‘Amma’ I will marry her. How stupid was that! (That photograph of her must be somewhere here in my room)
After 11 years of wait I had another encounter…of a similar kind. This time it was serious. The thing that I hated most about it, in hindsight, is how utterly immature I was back then, especially when compared to her. Misery arrived and stayed for 2 long years.
2005 was the time when I was content. I had nothing going for me, but I was content. Maybe feeling content is not such a good thing- She came back. The next 9 months were the happiest of my life and how I wished it was hers too(Perhaps it was, I just dont know. But, how can it be not!). She left again.
Another 2 years of misery. This time I had fallen in love..or whatever. I couldn’t stand being away from her. All her insecurities seemed cute, her laughter was like a drug. I wondered at that time if she missed me the way I missed her. Not a peep from her for 3 whole years. Man, she was strong, or, I was terribly weak.
We bumped into one another after 3 years, Online. Things started heating up again, so I thought. She had learned her lesson. Got a feeling she missed me too.This time something was different. I wanted her more than anything else, but she declined.
Things went on like that for a long while.
One day I hear the dreaded news. All those Texts I saved of her, all her emails I’d read over and over again seemed… I dont know how to describe it.
Had been just back from Chennai. Thank God of the precautions she had taken to help me deal with this. She had warned me. I cannot lie. But, it was useless. I was hooked. She knew it too, I suppose. Always felt there was some degree of reciprocation, but I will never know.
I dont think much of her now. When I do, its really hard. Feel I am a better man today.
Wonder what she really thinks of me. Wonder if she really realizes how much I loved her.
I am exhausted.
I want to be happy again. No more pursuits. No more games. Owe this to myself.
Do not let this piece make an impression. I am much more than this.
This thought has set me free. Feeling happy. I wish her well. It just was not meant to be.