Category Archives: Sports

Pakistan’s crush on Shahid Afridi

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve seen a 25-year-old Pakistani Cricketer.

As an Indian, a Pakistani Cricketer is the thing of hate. But, not Lala.

The most endearing image of ‘Boom Boom’ Afridi, is do precisely his nickname suggests.

Boom! He is gone..

Afridi is a man one Army alright. But, we all are left to wonder if he is fighting the opposing team or is he being a double agent.

Self explanatory

His Batting record suggests something even a trained Monkey can attain.

Afridi’s batting average is so low that even Dinesh Mongia has a better batting average!

Shahid Afridi’s overall Batting Record:

Wah mera Lala!

Wah mera Lala!

Dinesh Mongia’s overall batting record:

Even Dinesh Mongia's Batting Record is better than Afridi's!

Even Dinesh Mongia’s Batting Record is better than Afridi’s!

But, Dinesh Mongia did not get to play even 1/4th of the matches that Afridi has. Nobody even remembers his name!

What is the mystery here? Why is this great Cricketer liked and loved in Pakistan? Why is he allowed to play, time after time, failure after repeated failure?

All hell breaks loose in Pakistan when Afridi is mocked

It must be his bowling.

Dis..Appoint..Ment

Dis..Appoint..Ment

On the spin friendly tracks of the Sub-Continent, the great spinner of the ball, the wannabe spinster ought to have great records, I thought.

Aaaa.. What?

No, I must be wrong.. but can’t figure out where I am wrong.

Surely, something must be off. How can one man not bat, not bowl on tracks that suit his style of bowling; and still be around for 15 years? Or, is it been 20? 25? One can never tell..

Sure as hell, Pakistan and Pakistanis have thought it best to allow him to play for 372 (Exclamation.. Double Exclamation.. Triple) ODIs.

What is the big secret?

Afridi is a master strategist! When the going gets tough, the Afridis start eating the ball.

Most people bite the dust, Afridi being a Cricketer, bites the ball

Most people bite the dust, Afridi, being a Cricketer, bites the ball

I always give benefit out the doubt to Shahid Afridi. Not because I like him like him, but because, come on, how can a guy who blatantly cheats and still be in the team, not be liked? I support Afridi.. because I am jealous!

I give him the benefit of the doubt. Hey! If in dim light, after a LOT of Al-ca-gal has gone in, after putting tapanguchi for 2 hours, when I’m hungry as hell, I am bound to mistake a white Cricket ball, to a red juicy Apple.

Do you see an Apple in the picture? That is why you can never be a Shahid Afridi

Do you see an Apple in the picture? That is why you are no Shahid Afridi..

Have I eaten a Cricket ball before? Sadly, no. That’s because I’m not a professional Cricketer. I’m sure most of the people who play Cricket on a regular basis have.

Are you telling having a Cricket ball around you all the time, in the sun and in the scorching heat, a professional Cricketer is not tempted a least bit to eat it?

Puh.. leeez! Lolz..

Lols are so passé. Lulz, also spelled – Lolz, is the bling-ed up version of the now defunct LOL.

Afridi never cheats! Even after going for so many runs, after Pakistan is on the verge of defeat, snatched from the claws of win, by none other than (most frequently), by Afridi himself, Afridi never ever cheats.

Afridi being blasted all over the park by virtually everybody

But, this incidents casts serious shadow over my hero Shahid Afridi.

Most people battle drugs, alcohol, nicotine addiction, but Shahid Afridi is different to other mortals. He battles the..

..Pitch.

OK, I’m going to straight away ignore that and claim that never happened. I’m going into denial mode. Starting NOW!

Some guy who looks like Afridi is destroying the pitch. And, some guy who looks eerily like Kevin Peterson is mocking the great Lala. How can this be true? Unpossible.

All I remember and know is : people aim to emulate Afridi, especially English Cricketers!

Britishers trying to follow in the footsteps of Boom Boom and attempt to eat the ball

See, even the great All-Rounder, who bowls as fast as Afridi, who bats as explosively as Afridi, is trying to Ape(pun unintended) the great man.

I digress badly.

What makes Afridi click? His Batting? Unfortunately no. Bowling? Close, but.. No.. He is known as Boom Boom, not Bomb Bomb!

If he were called ‘Bomb Bomb’, he would have become the poster-boy for the Taliban. The Taliban spokesperson, nevertheless, tried to use his Boom Boom image to their benefit, but reports suggest he was not that successful. But, I think that’s untrue. 

The Taliban did try to use this particular image of Afridi; and, Shahid Afridi’s nickname of ‘Boom Boom’ to claim him as their own.

Afiridi killing Kafirs(Infidels). His routine is to kill an Infidel every time he scores a Century. Not many Kafirs have been killed in the past 2 decades.

Did they succeed?

Ask yourself – Are Taliban popular in Pakistan? Are Pakistani Politicians like Imran Khan, a great Cricketer himself(A nothing compared to the Lala of course), bending over backwards to appease them?

Imran Khan is a great fan of Afiridi and hence, a great fan of Taliban, who are in turn great fans of Afridi.

Surprise surprise, Imran Khan’s party won a LOT of seats and a majority in a Pakistani province.

Talking about Imran Khan, there are may similarities between Shahid Afridi and him. Both are very handsome, very popular cricketers in Pakistan, I hear. They both are loved; and women(and men) go gaga over them both in Pakistan, I’m sure.

But, when it comes to Cricket, the starting point of their fame, they both have contrasting records. Khan has excellent Batting and Bowling records. He has won Pakistan the World Cup as Captain, nurtured terrifying fast bowlers and has a reputation of being a never-say-die Captain.

Afridi is none of that. Not even close.

But, he has one thing in common with Mr. Imran Khan.

I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my..

I am beginning to now think Pakistanis love Shahid Afridi for being, well.. good looking?

“..when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,however improbable, must be the truth?”

– Sherlock Holmes

Even men? Not many women watch Cricket in Pakistan, like in India, I’m sure. You don’t see women do this when Shahid Afridi is batting!

Pakistani Fans of Boom Boom praying he doesn’t play an idiotic shot

And, it is men who make movies on the phenomena named Shahid Afridi.

Has there ever been a movie on Tendulkar in India? But, there has been one in Pakistan about Shahid Afridi. Pakistan produced like 3 movies this year. One was about, surprise, surprise – Shahid ‘Boom Boom’ ‘Lala’ Afridi, the all rounder.

Even thought India produces hundreds of movies per year, it hasn’t sought fit to make one on the life of Tendulkar. Tendulkars may come and go Afridis persist. Heck! They don’t age, don’t get dropped, don’t score runs, don’t take wickets.

Pakistanis have already immortalised the great Shahid Afridi, even before he has retired. Oh, wait.. He has retired from Cricket many times.. But, has always managed to make a come back. A great lesson indeed to all the English Cricketers who are retiring at the drop of a hat nowadays. 

They should strive to be more like Shahid Afridi.

Shahid Afridi. Also known as - The Beast!

Shahid Afridi. Also known as – The Beast!

Enough said – Pakistanis, mostly men, love Shahid Afridi. They love his long locks, they love his beard, they love the way he walks, they love the way he runs in to bowl, the way he gets out(silly him, giving a catch to silly point), the way he calls us Indians “small hearted”. All is forgiven by the Men of Pakistan – they forgive his abysmal cricketing record, his ball-eating antics, his blatant pitch tampering, his constant shooting off his mouth.

For a nation which hates Homosexuality, considers it a Sin – an act so unforgivable, that even God will not forgive; which is punishable by death; its pretty ironic that they have a collective, strong crush on a Man.

The average Pakistani jerks off at the sight of the bare-chested Afridi. No wonder cricket is popular in Pakistan. Imran Khan, now Afridi?

Since, Homosexuality is a taboo in Pakistan; legally, socially and religiously condemned, cricket appears to a convenient excuse for the secret fantasies of an extremely homophobic nation.

While Pakistanis asks the Homosexuals to do this..

Religious pious Pakistanis convincing Homosexuals to convert to Hetrosexuals

Religious pious Muslim Pakistanis convincing Homosexuals to convert to Heterosexuality

..but secretly, they are seeing this.

This is how Pakistan imagines Shahid Afridi every time they see him walk onto the park. They don’t care he doesn’t bat nor bowl, the mere sight of him is money’s worth.

For Pakistanis, the very embodiment of male sexuality and good looks is Shahid Afridi.

Forget Ashton Kutcher, Afridi is handsomer.. Plus, he can bite a Cricket ball right through.

Forget that he is dumb as a dodo Monkey.

Oops, they caught me eating ball in front of 23 cameras. How did they do this!

All Pakistanis care about are looks. At least with Imran Khan, they had the excuse of his brilliance. He was an able all-rounder, who spoke well, was a great captain. The homophobic tendencies of the entire nation was masked behind the facade of Imran Khan’s good cricketing skills.

Shahid Afridi is none of that.

The Homosexual Crush of the entire Homophobic Pakistani Islamic Republic nation now stands terribly exposed..

Oops, I am caught jerking off to a.. Man!

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Filed under Cricket, Geo-Politics, Human Rights, Love, Sports

My Dravid, My Icon

Growing up on the by-lanes of Basavangudi there are a few things that dominate your life- Watching Cricket, Studies(occasionally), watching Cartoons, playing Cricket, ogling at girls, being too shy to talk to them; discussing Cricket, playing Cricket and watching some more Cricket. Frankly, we didn’t follow any other international sport other than Cricket.

In view of all this here comes a guy, from the same by-lanes of Bangalore and scores a gritty 95 in his debut test in England, followed by an 84 in the second. He follows it up by going to South Africa and standing up to the likes of Donald and Pollock in the Tests. In the ODIs, when people say he is unsuitable for that particular version he becomes the highest scorer in the 1999 World Cup, with the highest number of Centuries by any batsman in the tournament. His name: Rahul Sharad Dravid.

I don’t want to get into how many runs he has piled on or how many very many great innings he has played. I don’t want to talk too much about how many times he has saved India’s ass and win matches when most players would be thinking about how to come back in the next match.

Dravid represented much more to me and my friends of my generation than a mere statistic. He represented us, each and everyone of us who grew up watching him play. Sachin failed at times, went through bad patches. That was unthinkable with Dravid. It was as if Dravid piling on runs and not getting out, with the help of his magnificent technique, was a given, taken for granted, no need to give a second thought to.

No where in India would you find kids from my generation arguing ‘Who is better Sachin or ?’, but in Bangalore. Dravid provided us the luxury of comparing him with the blue-eyed boy of Indian Cricket, another great- Sachin Tendulkar, whom the rest of India knows as batsman par excellence. Saying player A is better than Tendulkar was considered blasphemy, but in Bangalore.

It was not just the love for the people from Bangalore I admire Dravid, although I would have to agree that it is a contributing factor for my admiration for him, but the sheer number of successes at the top level.

Add to his Cricketing achievements, his humbleness, Gentleman-like behavior, his habit of putting the team first, propels him to the level of an Icon; someone whom you can look up to, who will never fail, who will never give up, one who will act with grace in the time of hardship, who will push the limits if it means donning roles that ill-suit you(He kept wickets in the absence of a good Wicket-Keeper-Batsman), who will never yearn for power but only success in the trade that the one is involved; someone who can talk like this:

Rahul Dravid, the quintessential family man, was never one to hog the limelight. Heck, people talked of him only when he scored all those runs to save all those matches India would never have won without him. He was never the one to talk back to his opponent even when they heckled him, abused him and tried to unnerve him. He would show his poker face and answer with his broad bat, by piling on misery by batting for hours on end, with shots that can easily be used for a Tutorial on Cricket. Getting out Dravid early was a rarity for the opponents.

Today, March 9th 2012, I get up, turn on the TV and hear the dreaded news- Rahul Dravid is retiring from all forms of Cricket. My Icon is not going to bat for India no more. My dream of watching him score a century in Chinnaswamy stadium in Bangalore from the stands will remain a dream.

He retires the way he played his Cricket – with dignity, grace and with a smile.

Good bye, Rahul, thanks for all the memories.

One last thing. Look at his stats. Cricketers would kill for such stuff. 10,000 runs at an average of 52 and 39 in Tests and ODIs, respectively, is what makes Cricketing greats.

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