Tag Archives: love

The girl that wasn’t

There she was.. Amidst hungry people,  who were gobbling up whatever the ‘Chat Street’ in Basavangudi was throwing at them. “She looks gorgeous”, you realise. “She is perfect for me”, you tell yourself. You have spoken to her before. In fact, it was one of the greatest conversations you have ever had with another woman.

VV Puram, Sajjan Rao Circle

Dose, Idly, Bhel Puri, Pav Bhaji, Bajji and what not!

Every guy has met a woman.. The woman.

The number doesn’t necessarily have to be restricted to one. After all, if people were allowed to fall in Love only once, the species would have died off long back or the world would be filled with Devdasses. Do not believe Bollywood propaganda..

One meets her either in a Party, or in College, or a place you had been for an interview. She is either your colleague, or classmate, or neighbour, or met her at the Gym. The world is full of possibilities.

You have seen her before, much before you actually spoke to her – in BMS Engineering College fest years ago; after that in a friend’s Birthday Party; after that in some Engagement party your parents managed to drag you into. Every time the reaction was the same – you froze and were mesmerized.

Brain stops working, you are dumfounded as to what to do next

Each time the urge to go talk to her was immense, which was only overwhelmed by the fear of saying something stupid and losing the battle of the nerves and.. the chance to make a decent impression.

Natural Selection

The thing is: she is not the prettiest woman you were attracted to. But, a certain indescribable quality sets her apart, something which even you can’t explain to yourself. Its like Nature is crying out : She is the perfect mate for you, Human Being! 

Love is all Science, you see. Do you think you chose your mate because of Love? How naive..

Nature probably knows more about you than yourself. It knows, for instance, that you are not the most attractive guy out there and is hinting that you should settle down with someone who is more suited to your ugliness.

Nature: Perfect for each other!

You are 6 (on the scale of 1 to 10) and you expect an 8? Aase olledu, duraase kettaddu(due to lack of proper knowledge of either English and/or Kannada, I am unable to translate.. Hoping to get some help soon). 

Karma is a bitch!

As luck would have it, it would not be long before you meet her, this time at a friend’s wedding. As always, she looked radiant. This time it was different. This time a friend manages to drag you and introduce you to all her friends and ‘she’ happens to be one of them.

Yaay!

Life is colourful again!

You quickly get working. You are charming(after years of mental practice, you are finally ready.. You have trained for this and now its time to put it into practice), have managed to make her laugh. Her natural charm is making you comfortable and the conversation is enthralling. Her smile is so disarming, but you keep at it.

You discuss all the right things: Your common friend who just introduced you, other friends you realise both have in common, the latest Aamir Khan movie (She turns out to be Shahrukh Khan fan and you realise he is not that bad after all.. After all Swades – She laughs at your pronunciation of ‘Swades’ – was pretty awesome!), how you and her both miss college life (Oh shit! Another commonality!), where she works, where you work, where she lives, where you live.. “Did you go to the Soul Sante? Wasn’t it amazing!”

“OMG! She is the cousin of a cousin of my friend, whom I know since ages. This is so meant to be!”

You are in love. You are bowled over and the bowler is a 5 foot something, female, looking stunning in a Red Saree and getting her fill of Mosaranna (Curd Rice) right now. The bowler’s secret weapon : No freaking idea!

She is everything you aspire to be like and more – She ignites in you to be a better version of yourself!

“Our kids will have her looks and my brains, hopefully”. “Ok, what should I do next?”.

“Should I tell my friend whose marriage it is, that I have a thing for her friend? Naah, she will be busy with, I don’t know, with the wedding?”

Sketch haaku

“Lets ask her out for a movie!”. The heart is running a race, you look at your male friend who smells something is fishy, who asks, “Yen maam? Yen vishya?(Whats up?)”

You nod your head as to indicate nothing is up and start working on your master plan.

Clubbing? Unsure if she likes it. Lets go to the beach! Too bad, its very far. “Why the hell doesn’t Bangalore have beaches?”. Dinner? Too Hollywood-ey. Bowling? No, there is a good chance I might suck; Can’t risk it. Paint ball! Need too many people. Invite her home for lunch to meet my parents? Not appropriate, too soon. Take her to the secret nature get-away! Might sound creepy. Need a public place for the first date.

Coffee? Good option, but need more than that..

Movie? No, no good Hindi movie in the theatres. Krrrrrish 3, you have promised yourself, you will never ever ever watch in your lifetime and you just know she feels the same.

“Kannada movie? Hmm.. Beda, level hog bidathe.”.

“OK ok.. English movie, then”. Its settled.

“So.. What plans for the weekend?”, you ask hopefully.

“Umm.. I don’t know, shop for a while and maybe catch Gravity with my Fiancé?”.

Trying not to look sad, after hearing some shocking news

Your heart sinks..

Back from flashback

“Yen sakkathagiddale, sisya!(Dude, she is so pretty!)”, you tell your cousin, who is happily married and is currently munching on some delicious Idlies. He gives her a glance and quickly realises his plate is empty and goes for a refill. Clearly, she didn’t make much of an impression on him, or that he indeed is happily married.

You wonder “Are recently married and happily married the same things?”

“Look at her.. Laughing without a care in the world. Man, isn’t she perfect for me!”. You remind yourself of an unmodifiable fact and snap back to reality.

As always, nothing happens, you finish hogging and get in the Car after having one last look at her. “Yella nan Karma“.

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Typical story of a 20-something IT-guy

A saying goes, “Throw a stone in the streets of Bangalore, it will most probably land on a Software Engineer”. As a 20-something, South Bangalorean, who has other 20-something Bangalorean friends, there are many behavioural patterns which I have observed(many of it applicable to your’s truly and some completely fictional).

Fresh from college, we join some IT-major, hoping of earning big bucks, give it our everything the first 2 years and then(THEN!) things start to change.

A rebel needs a nice ride

After toiling for many months, the quarter life crises kicks in. Many people are at crossroads. Some would have sacrificed their teenage years and shunned anything fun in the hopes of becoming a success. Then!

Then, everything seems meaningless and confusing, all of a sudden. The guy who used to come to college drunk goes on to get a better job than you, while you, who kissed hairy asses of lecturers in college, end up in a boring, seemingly dead-end job.

Some who had fun in college, who had a wild time in college, start remising about the good old days. Your old girlfriends are getting married..  Its time for a change, its time for the old rebel to come back!

Buy a fucking-bullet(hell yeah!).

Frontiers never explored become a destination all of a sudden. Every rebel aches to be unique and The Bullet is the perfect cure. Its so illogical, its logical!

Only a madman will buy a Bullet!

“I have bought The Ultimate Machine!”, you convince yourself.

Three years later, it turns out 6 out of your 10 friends have bought their Bullets and suddenly, yours seems heavy, fuel guzzling and, mostly importantly, no longer unique. You have been to 2 far-away places on your bike, last one being Ooty, 13 months ago, where the monsoon fury made sure your ride was not only dangerous, but wet and utterly uncomfortable.

A car seems a better option now. “Even the butt ugly Nano will do”, you think for a brief moment when the rain is pounding on your helmet, making it difficult for you to see even 10 metres ahead.

Get-a-digi-cam

Big bucks, easy EMI options and a sudden craving for the Arts makes most of us fantasise about owning a killer Cam. You have unexplored creative energy bubbling within you and the boring humdrum of office life seems colourless.. and Eureka! You have an idea..

For a weeks and months you log into sites which review cameras and consult the many photographers, you happen to meet almost everywhere you go. Then you settle on your baby.

Its got a long lens, xyz mm, its black and it takes great photos of the clouds hovering above. You take those pictures and post them on Facebook with the tag line, “My first Photos with my brand new xxx Camera!”. You abuse FB the first few months and spam everyone in your friends list. Your friends who used to like most of your photos taken in a rickety old Nokia, start ignoring them.

As with The Bullet, this particular experimentation with quarter life crises peters out.

Al-ca-gal!

Some of us discover(rediscover) something spectacular – Alcohol. The dusky beauty adds meaning to life, purpose to weekends. Weekends become exciting. Pub-hopping starts!

The combination of rising prices combined with rising monthly EMI payments on your costly nothings combined with near stagnant salary, eat into your Pub-Hopping budgets.

Lakshmi Bar near BDA Complex, Banashankari, seems more alluring; and, monetarily makes much more sense. 🙂

You are one-step away from being a counter-kudka(Counter as in bar counter. Kudka a drunk). But, for you its time for fun. Its also time to make up for lost time you have spent not drinking! When drunk you fear the time when a creature comes and taketh awayth the bottle of Kingfisher Premium Beer; you shudder to think of getting married and losing all this freedom.

“Why don’t you come meet my parents? My dad is looking for a rishta for me.”

She was hot in college, ever so pretty… She loved me and I her. Yes, she has gained a few kgs, so what? So have I. Now,I barely make enough to sustain myself and she wants us to get married and have kids! Her biological clock is ticking, mine just started..

What about my beer!

I am still a kid. So what I have a stable job and my dad has built for me a 60-40 house in JP Nagar.. ITS NOT TIME TO GET MARRIED!

Either, its your Girlfriend on your case or, in some cases, your parents. “Yaavaga thamma maduve?(When are you getting married?)”, asks your aunt mischievously(everybody is either an aunt or an uncle) in one of the weddings your parents manage to drag you into. “Yaarannardru hudkondidiya?(Have you found someone?)”, is a double edged sword. Those who have girlfriends can’t answer honestly, those who don’t, feel pathetic that they don’t have one. Strange conundrum..

You make her wait for an year, thinking, “She loves me too much to not wait for me”. One day you are hanging out at your adda and a friend of a friend tells you that your girlfriend is getting married. You stand there for a few seconds.. stunned.

She was not picking up for the past 3 days and you never had thought twice about it. Your tiny world is coming crashing down now. The love of your life has succumbed to her parents wishes and whims.

She has blocked you on FB, changed her number, cuts off all lines of communication. Your common friends inform you that the engagement is next week. You are shattered.

“She told me she loves me!”.

The Bullet, The Digi-Cam, the brand new Car seems pointless. You are 24 and lost.

Lets study!

College was fun. Bunk classes, goto your adda near college, conveniently located to smoke-up, where none of your lecturers can see you. Plan trips and actually manage to go! Its been ages since you have been to any new place now. The last one was Gokarna for the new year, 9 months ago.

You are 26 now, your girlfriend has either left you or you never had one(better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all?). You have been working in the same project for the past 3 years. Nothing excites you anymore. Digi-Cam is safely locked up in the cupboard, turns out you are not that great an artist or just realised “Every other fucker out there thinks he is a photographer!”. Subconsciously, you don’t want a reminder how normal your life is. Nothing is hatke if everyone starts doing it. Why did so many of my friends turn to Photography? Bastards..

Time for something new – Time to do Masters in US! (Hell yeah!)

When it hits you, it really hits you.. The monotony of life is unbearable. You dream of dating white chicks, clubbing in Germany.. basically, getting away from everything you are. You want something new in your life. The current routine just doesn’t work anymore.

Masters is a perfect choice. Not only get a degree out of it, but a chance to settle in the country you studied in, should you choose to later.

Start studying for GRE, learn by-heart the meaning of every single word in the English language. Either Masters or you threaten quitting if your project doesn’t initiates H1B. “Onsite, here I come!”

You arrive to seek your version of Shangri-La. Finally!

6 months later you start missing home-made filter coffee, your friends talking shit after getting piss drunk in the local bar, the beautiful weather of Bangalore… The list starts expanding as long as you stay in Faarin.

Everything has changed!

You come home after 2 years of Faarin. Your anaemic friend is fat; your fat friend is thin. “Did he have a beard before I left Bangalore?… Huh.”

Some of your friends are married. In some extreme cases, have had kids! “How can a guy who behaved like a kid, when I left, have one?”

You get ready and text message everyone to come to adda, just like old times (Ah, the old times).. When you finally get there in an Auto(You had sold your bike, your first bike, just before you went to do your Masters), after cursing how Auto rates have increased, look left to find a spanking new Restaurant standing in the place where your adda used to be.

The one last remaining link to your old life has disappeared forever.

“Ok, I’ve tried to accomplish everything what I wanted. I’ve succeeded in some, failed in some. I am running out of ideas. Lets just say yes to Mom… Lets get married”

You do have fun with your masters. Meet new people, experience new things, see new places. You are at a good place.

Like any other night, you are skyping with Appa and Amma. They suggest marriage. You say no and that ends there. You get up and head for work, they go back to sleep. Next day, the insistence is a little more stronger. This time ‘No’ drags on to some 10 minutes. The day after that..

You finally succumb to parental pressure and say, ‘yes’.

But, you have seen the world. Have met new people and have become pessimistic about Arranged marriage. But, there is no option. You are in America, you can’t find a decent Indian Girl in the US(well, you can, but chances are low) of your same Caste and who meets your long list of parameter of a perfect woman.

Life has taught you some hard lessons. “How can I get engaged to someone whom I’ve met only 2 months ago?”.

“She is nice”, you admit, “but she is no..”, you zone out thinking about your ex. Besides, what if she is putting on a facade and after marriage is seems completely different to what she managed to projected as herself to be?

Haunting questions.

A little bit of you died the day you found out about ‘her’ engagement. After years, you have progressed to a point that you think about ‘her’ only once in a day. “Am I really being fair to the girl with whom I am going to get married to?”, you ponder. “Shouldn’t marriages happen out of love? Sure she is nice, but she is no..”.

“Its been so many years, I’ve not fallen for anyone, I’ve never even fancied anyone. Am I incapable of falling in Love? Has she broken me, perhaps, forever? Does she think of me, like I think of ‘her’?”

You actually get married, to someone who was a complete stranger only 6 months ago. Your life changes forever..

The 20s come to an end.

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The English Patient

“We die.

We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we’ve entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we’ve hidden in – like this wretched cave. I want all this marked on my body. Where the real countries are. Not boundaries drawn on maps with the names of powerful men. I know you’ll come carry me out to the Palace of Winds. That’s what I’ve wanted: to walk in such a place with you. With friends, on an earth without maps. The lamp has gone out and I’m writing in the darkness.”

K writes to her lover Almásy, waiting in a cave for him to come back and rescue her. She has just realised he might be too late to save her. The husband, the pilot, has died in a suicidal plane crash, in which she was a part of and was the second of the three targets(The third being Almásy himself). Almásy is unhurt and takes her to a cave, which has drawings of swimming figures; and, leaves after promising to return to rescue her.

The Husband loves her. More importantly – trusts her. When he finds out about he the affair she is having with Almásy, it shatters him.

Almásy, who hates ownership plunges deep into the ravines of a woman’s Love. Unable to own her and after she ends the affair, unable to bear the pain asks her, “How can you ever smile, as if your life hadn’t capsized?”.

After the crash, Almásy, after dropping her off at the cave with swimming figures, after promising to come back, is caught by the British, who think he is a spy.

Ultimately, he betrays the British and hands over the maps, all important maps, crucial to wartime efforts, to the Germans, in exchange for a plane to fly back to the cave to rescue his darling. Is betrayal really betrayal if it means you can hold your end of the promise to the woman you love?

Katherine is still there, but only in her letters to the Count.

The English Patient is Cinema at its best. I’ve been aching to watch it ever since I heard of it in an episode in Seinfeld. I am livid with myself for delaying the watching of this magnificent picture.

It transports you to a world you had seen in movies and paintings, but had never felt. The passion of the love between Katherine and her lover, eclipses that of the husband. You would think that there’d never be a reason good enough to betray your side in a war; you’d think there’d never be a good enough reason for a wife to cheat on her loving, caring husband. This movie works because it elevates the characters from the reel to the world of you and me, without you even noticing it.

Katherine in her final moments writes to her lover:

“My darling. I’m waiting for you.

How long is the day in the dark? Or a week? The fire is gone, and I’m horribly cold. I really should drag myself outside but then there’d be the sun. I’m afraid I waste the light on the paintings, not writing these words.

We die.

We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we’ve entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we’ve hidden in – like this wretched cave. I want all this marked on my body. Where the real countries are. Not boundaries drawn on maps with the names of powerful men. I know you’ll come carry me out to the Palace of Winds. That’s what I’ve wanted: to walk in such a place with you. With friends, on an earth without maps. The lamp has gone out and I’m writing in the darkness.”

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The old lady across the street

There was an old lady across the street.

The house is all she obsessed about..

“The house is in such a nice locality”, she claimed.

“My children will sell the house, I know, if I leave one day..”, she prophesied.

Cared for it so much she did, that she chose the house over the Husband.

Fought with the neighbours she did, for the tree in their house was shedding leaves into hers!

Fought with the neighbours she did, with chest full of contempt for people who lived in rented houses.

Not that she was evil incarnate, oh no no no..

She lives among us all, obsessing about things which really don’t matter.

Driving away friends, saying mean things to the ones whom we love and need later.

Died she did in, but not in her house of bricks..

Died she did in some far away place where the elderly mix.

The fool is the one who doesn’t learn his lesson.

The fool is the one who has less love for people than his lousy mansion.

My neighbour since 2002 passed away today. She was 68. She died in an elderly home, after moving there about a fortnight ago, after her Children and Husband thought it best to move her there.

She didn’t die in the house she lived for so many years, the one thing she loved above all..

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Songs that just get you!

What is with tones and sounds, even random noise, when arranged in succession or in a combination resembling a certain pattern, that just gets you[blatantly plagiarised from Webster Dictionary’s definition of Music].

If are you someone like me and never forgets an event, a word, a detail of people who once were dear, and still are; coming across something- a restaurant, a Facebook tag, a link to their blog- anything that reminds you of them is really hard.

You begin to question the adage that Art imitates Life in such events. Crazy images start flashing by; images of a  old you, the more innocent you, the naive you, sharing a space and moment with that person, somewhere, anywhere, in total bliss and harmony. Enter Music. Depending on the turn of events the sound either represents melancholy or nostalgia or .. I don’t know what to call it.

All I know is today, I came across something that reminded me of that certain someone and a song popped into my head. If I were to associate the emotion one feels at such a juncture to a song, this would fit the bill.

I talked about when things work out so well, you begin to quell the doubts you have about the existence of an intelligent maker. This strange and wonderful mix of emotion and music, in perfect sync, makes you wonder if this wasn’t a design from a supreme source. How can two things so perfectly gel together, so well! Think about it.

Whatever it is.. Like most things in my life, I like, as well as, don’t like, this feeling. I want to get it out of my system. As wonderful and utterly human as this emotion might be, not such a big fan of it.

Sometimes, some songs just get you.. They just do..

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My Bucket List

I started this blog for me; to fulfil my urge to write..to be heard; to record those knot-in-the-throat moments; those moments of joy, wonder, excitement; also, of sorrow, missed opportunities, failures whatnot..

Which one of the moments I want to record now you might ask.

Today’s the 9th of July 2012. Its really early in the morning – 3 AM. I sit here in my room, alone; with my parents fast asleep in the room next. I am just done watching the movie – The Bucket List [And, no, this is not a review of the movie]. I’ve hit upon the possibility that I might MIGHT die tomorrow or pretty soon.. You never know.

“What would that be I would like to do or experience before I die?”, is the question the movie made me ask.

The characters in the movie are aged or “developed” in their years. They had seen most aspects of life. I don’t have that advantage. I don’t know what exactly I want, to be honest. My answers are pretty simplistic in nature, I am afraid.

I know I want to have a big family. Kids, a definite yes. Lots of places to see. Lots of people to meet. Europe is definitely on my mind among the places to visit, not to forget the Skydiving.. Did I say Skydiving? I meant Scuba Diving. I wouldn’t torture myself with the thought of flying through the air, attached only to a parachute. I am more of a water guy.

Aah! I can picture it already. The deep blue ocean, I am looking down at the corals, with a school of fish nearby. A Shark approaches. Stop. Back to the topic at hand.

I don’t want to climb the Everest or anything. Too cold, you see.. I prefer the warmer climate of the beach.

I do want one thing more than I care to admit – Love. I don’t have an appetite for that now. But, would be a real loss if it never happens to me ever again. I am a sensitive guy and Teds like me(A character in How I Met Your Mother sitcom I think whom I am most alike) fall in love all the time you might think. Well, I have some issues to work out.. I definitely want to feel the way I felt once, but without History repeating itself from that point onwards.

Do you ever stop being in Love? Come to think of it, you can’t. I am still in love, but with someone who will never, nor can, reciprocate. Its time to move on..

I stopped making sense long time ago, didn’t I!

This is why I love writing. I can make sense or no sense, but end up making perfect sense to myself. I will be making perfect sense to me, even a future me, 20 years or 30 years or, if I am lucky, 40 years from now. I want to record this feeling I felt a long time ago. A feeling about Life, Love and Death. How all these are intertwined. A death of one, makes you remember of life.

I’ll leave my Bucket List incomplete. Perhaps its best left incomplete. What if I achieve everything I set out to from the list I’ve compiled today? Will I be able to say,”I am ready to die now”?

What if I don’t get to complete every task I’ve set myself? That thought scares me. But, I can tell you one thing I will not stop trying.

If I don’t scratch off all the items  on my list, I’ll die trying.. That I think is the real message of the movie or the point of life.

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